Perhaps Once
by misanthropic shade
Summary: Questions that haven't been asked before should perhaps not be asked at all. Introspective piece between Integral and Alucard.


Title: Perhaps Once

Author - misanthropic shade

Rating - PG

Warnings - a bit o angst, a bit o introspection

Disclaimers - I do not own Hellsing in any way, nor do I make a claim to. No profit, no harm done.

The massive amount of smoke that had gone through the night air clogged the entire city with its stench. Fire had swept through building after building as the demon Shed had worked to recreate a version of hell upon mortals who probably didn't believe in it even after seeing the demon firsthand. Days had gone by while workers fought madly to save even a portion of the great city from the massive destruction. During the night, the moon shone a dull red from the amount of lingering smoke, giving everything a red sheen when in its full glow. By the second week, most of the flames had been eradicated although a few hot spots occasionally erupted with new flames that continued to tempt the sanity of those fighting them. It was in the second week that Alucard had stopped visiting Integral in her prison cell while the Royal family communed with the Round Table on the best course of action. It was another eight days before she was released back to the custody of Hellsing Manor to await further instructions. Even after receiving the news of her parole, Alucard hadn't returned to her, nor responded to her quiet one-sided conversations to the night.

The orange haze that hung about the city gave everything and everyone a sickly palor that made them seem like the walking dead. People attempted to go about their daily lives beneath the burden of having been in the middle of something that they could not comprehend in the least. News reports contradicted eyewitness accounts. Sights of a long white snake tearing apart buildings made no more sense than the demon dogs that had followed in its path to fight and devour them. Integral listened to all of the new information, huddled in the back seat of her private car where she could sink out of the infallible leader that she had to be and simply be weary. Walter, in his wisdom, had rolled the glass privacy barrier almost its length to the car's ceiling, leaving only enough room with which to give his report.

"Where is he?" She interrupted the latest devastation report. Walter didn't immediately answer, feigning concentration on the road as he navigated them across three lanes of traffic toward their exit. The car slowed its progress as it merged into new traffic and soon they sped toward the Manor once more. They both knew she wouldn't ask the question again and each seemed to wait patiently for the other.

"I am told that he's been seen by our people on the rooftops of various buildings around the city. Although -" he paused, not wanting to give her the information while not looking at her. With a sigh, he let go of his own protocols. "No one, not even Victoria, has seen him the last four days." It was news that he was sure would best be kept from knowledge outside Hellsing and hadn't inquired to Integral through the couriers at any time what might have happened to him. If Integral hadn't seen him either, or been able to call him to her, this new behavior would be worrisome if he didn't return to Hellsing soon.

The car bumped over a short series of speed bumps before they reached the main gate of the manor and conversation lapsed into silence. Walter parked the car at the front door where a pair of security guards stood before a wheelchair in case their leader should need it. Integral scowled at the chair, yet upon exiting the car, she acknowledged with a curt nod her men's concern while honoring her pride by doing their best to hide the chair. After all, the last time she'd been seen was in recovery to her self-inflicted wounds and had barely been mobile. She walked stiffly and with only the slightest of limps up the stairs and opened the doors herself. Integral Wingates Hellsing had returned home.

People and paper seemed to march through her office, briefing her on non-human activity in the world as well as intelligence reports on what the Round Table and Her Majesty might be discussing regarding the fate of the Hellsing Institution. Before nightfall, the last of the messengers had swept through, depositing their important papers upon the important papers of the messengers who had come before. Or perhaps they had worked long enough and had retired for the night, ready to begin the process anew when the sun rose.

"You've not had time for your three o'clock tea," Walter chided softly as he cleared dishes aside now that it was safe to do so without the danger of being run underfoot by a courier. He scooped up her cold tea and replaced it with a fresh cup. Integral picked it up thoughtfully, leaning back in her chair to let her hands absorb the warmth of the cup before she drank of its contents.

"That's almost correct," she smiled softly. "As you can see from the tea stains on the lower third of the pages, someone was kind enough to try giving me more tea, but it was a lost cause. The tea, Walter, was very welcome and very good."

"Thank you, Lady Hellsing," Walter replied solemnly, bowing deeply as he set the remnants of the afternoon tea in its waiting trolley. His body suddenly stiffened and he glanced back at Integral who mimicked the gesture as she glanced around the dark office. Something wasn't right, yet there didn't seem to be any immediate danger and the sudden heaviness in the air seemed familiar, yet she knew that at the same time, it wasn't. Walter straightened up, smoothing his vest with one hand to distract from his right hand pulling free lengths of his silky weapons.

"Good night, Walter," Integral murmured. Her gaze didn't waver at his surprise at being dismissed so easily. As a loyal servant and once Knight of the Institution, he nodded stiffly and wheeled the cart from the room. 

Integral set the cup down after a cursory drink and began sifting through the paperwork aimlessly.

"Do you think there's anything of real importance in there?" A deep voice asked. Integral's fingers stopped for a moment before she pushed away from her desk to face the shadows in the room.

"They are important to the Royal Knights of Hellsing --"

"Do you think there's anything of real importance in there?" the darkly mirthful voice repeated.

"Stop playing games and show yourself, vampire," she shot back. Her eyes narrowed at the mockery of what she would or would not deem important. When nothing moved, she slid open a rarely used desk drawer and rested her hand on her pistol.

"No one would say patience was one of your virtues," Alucard grinned as his essence gathered from the shadow to a lithe human form. His long hair that generally remained beneath his red coat lay free over his shoulders. The hat that he'd sported since she'd been a child had been shunned in favor of letting his locks cover most of his face. He'd always looked mad, but in the light of a blood red moon, his insanity seemed much like the day she'd found him locked away in the basement. He walked stiffly, the burning crimson eyes barely visible beneath the blanket of butchered hair. Once past her desk, he stood gazing at the night locked behind smooth glass panels.

"You've been absent from Hellsing," Integral finally started. It was apparent that Alucard wouldn't offer information on his own lest she ask the right question.

"As have you," he replied back, dancing away from the issue.

"Yes," she began anew, her mind working to keep up with a game she wasn't really in the mood to play, "but we all know where I have been. We don't know where you have been, Alucard."

"I've not been far. Nor in danger, nor in danger of placing any mortal in danger."

"How can I be so certain?" she asked, knowing full well that should Alucard harm any mortal, she'd be among the first to know. Trusting him came fairly naturally, though it was hard, even after the long years, to trust him so implicitly. "Danger is something you love, is it not?"

"Love!" Alucard snorted derisively, throwing his head back to utter a short burst of laughter. "Love is hardly what I harbor." His wide grin lessened as he lifted his hand toward the balcony's door. The glass rattled, threatening to break before the lock disengaged and it swung slowly open. The two walked in step to the patio to better drink in the night. Before crossing the threshold, his form melted and reformed to the familiar garb he sported down to the wide hat and yellow tinted glasses. Even the smirk that crossed his lips was more familiar than the odd rictus he'd held before.

Integral stood next to her servant as they had for many a night. The air felt much cooler than it had only a few weeks before and she detected a hint of snow when she breathed deeply. Her companion remained silent, content to simply stand by her side, yet she didn't want to simply drop a conversation he'd interrupted by coming outside.

"Even a creature such as yourself is surely capable of love? Love of blood, love of death, love of danger-"

"Love is overrated," Alucard shot back.

"It can be, I agree," Integral sidestepped easily. "It-"

"It's a disease. A plague. A tired ritual with rules not unlike religion." Alucard laughed at his own statement. He glanced down at his master and the moonlight shielded his eyes from being seen from behind his yellowed glasses. Despite that, the sudden frown that pulled his smirk downward spoke volumes. "Yes, that's what it's like. It's a dead religion with vapid followers." His teeth gleamed dully as the grin reclaimed its proper place on his lips. "Or maybe it's undead," he added. A throaty chuckle emanated from his lips as the wide grin broadened.

The game had taken a turn away from its intended path, but it wasn't entirely new or unusual despite the nagging feeling that something was very different. She stepped away from the vampire's body to take in the night's splendor without the shadow of his form tainting her peripheral vision.

"If it is undead, then you must be able to feel it." The conversation felt natural, yet surreal that she should speak of love to Alucard of all people.

"You felt it once - you probably still do unless you've forgotten his name," he retorted smoothly. 

She didn't answer right away as she considered how much she loved her father and still did her best to perform at her most optimal in honor of his memory.

A cloud covered the moon's dull night and she heard the sharp intake of Alucard's breath. "Ah, it's a good night," he grinned maniacally. It was a familiar warning that he may very well vanish until morning.

"Alucard... " She stopped. She'd never asked before and she'd convinced herself long ago that it didn't matter, yet the conversation brought the old curiosity to the surface, almost enough to blurt it out. But she was not the child she once was and even as a child, she'd refrained from asking at all.

"Lady Hellsing?" Neither figure moved, although one had an infinite more amount of patience then the other; he did, after all, have all the time in the world.

"You were once human," she stated flatly rather than asking. Her certainty felt flawed, yet it was stronger than the doubt and she clung to it needlessly. "As a human, you would know what love was. Do you remember that at least?" Her question sounded more like a challenge, as if daring him to tell a lie after the long years they'd shared.

"Remember being a human if I was ever a human, or being in love if I was a human?"

"No more games."

Rather than answer, the vampire hopped lightly until he stood on the railing of the balcony. He slipped his gloved hands in his pockets and his coat billowed about his legs in the crisp breeze. His hair flowed around his face, obscuring it even more. He walked lightly back and forth before ending at the wall. With a glance up, he began walking up the side of the building with his hands still in his pockets. Instead of walking back down, his form liquefied to shadows that poured to the balcony until he stood intact next to her again.

"You ask questions that you've never asked before," he replied instead.

"I'm asking questions that you wouldn't have answered before," she retorted. "You were once human, were you not?"

The hat rose slightly in the breeze and the vampire pulled it more firmly about his head. "Perhaps once, I may have been; I could not tell you."

"Then what about being in love? You've been in love before, haven't you?"

His image faded into the shadows until only a semblance of his visage could be discerned in the inky darkness. "Perhaps once," he replied quietly as he faded, "though I could not tell you."

"Can't or won't are not the same things, you know. No more games."

"No, Lady Hellsing," he replied dimly, "no more games. Not now, that is."

She turned to find herself alone on the balcony. Moments became minutes and it was then that she knew he would not return. The conversation remained fresh in her mind, something she'd never asked, and something she'd probably never ask again, yet something that still had meaning between them beyond servant and master. Integral returned to her desk, intent on making sense of the senseless while weariness demand that she give up and sleep - something as mortal as love, she pondered. For the moment, she smiled, she'd love to sleep like the dead. For a little while.

*just because it comes from the mind of a wacko, doesn't necessarily mean it's insane*


End file.
